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I love to perform with my band. There is something magical about getting on stage and expressing myself through music. The lights, the excitement, and the connection I make with the crowd, the band, and myself makes me feel truly alive.

Do I get nervous? You bet. Do I worry I might mess up? Yep. Do I worry about what others might think of me? Of course. Do I do it anyway? Absolutely!

“Vulnerability is the risk we take when we put ourselves out there. It is a natural feeling we get from uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” says research professor and author Brene Brown in her show, A Call to Courage, now streaming on Netflix.

And believe it or not, feeling vulnerable is a good thing.

What? Feeling anxious and exposing oneself to the possibility of being fully seen or criticized is a good thing?

YES!

“Because there is no courage without vulnerability,” explains Brene. For example, “when we build cultures at work where there is zero tolerance for vulnerability, no open conversation happens,” says Brene. “We end up talking about each other instead of to each other.”

Instead, according to Brene, we need real conversation. We must bring our whole heart and our whole selves to the arena, each and every day. We must choose courage over comfort and create a culture where we feel free to share ideas without worrying about the critic. We must show up fully and let go of our armor, be open to failure and dare to be seen and take risks if we are going to feel fully alive and make a difference in our organizations, our communities, and the world.

Theodore Roosevelt says it beautifully in this celebrated quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

So how do we overcome the fear that comes with being vulnerable?

• Brene Brown says we do it anyway. We dare greatly!
• Second, she says that we get rid of the following myths around vulnerability.

1. Vulnerability is weakness – Not true. Vulnerability is the most courageous thing you will ever do.
2. I don’t do vulnerability – Everyone does vulnerability knowingly or unknowingly. “You do vulnerability, or vulnerability does you.” Says Brene. People take their pain and work it out on other people when they don’t acknowledge their own vulnerability.
3. I can go it alone – Not true either. We need each other. We are neurobiologically wired to other people. We can’t go it alone. In fact, in the absence of love and connection, there is always suffering.
4. We can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability – No, you can’t. The minute a situation becomes comfortable it is no longer vulnerability.
5. Trust comes before vulnerability – They actually work together. The more you share the more trust is formed and the more you trust, the more you share.
6. Vulnerability is disclosure – Not full disclosure. Vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability. Everyone deserves privacy.

So show up my friends! Do not be afraid to get in the arena. And when the time comes, do “it” anyway, it spite of the fear you feel. Only then will true connection to each other and yourself take place.

First published at https://www.tradingacademy.com/culture/article/are-you-scared-do-it-anyway

Not too long ago, scientists believed human intelligence was determined by the size of a person’s skull. They assumed that the larger the skull, the smarter the person. Of course, this is not true.

A few years later, people believed you were born with a fixed amount of intelligence that remained constant over a lifetime. The idea that intelligence remains constant is still a commonly held belief today. This is not true either.

While genes, for example, do indeed influence some things, they do not determine everything. This is important, because the belief that an inborn talent alone without effort creates success is wrong.

This notion is based on flawed beliefs about intelligence—you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I’m too old, or I am not good enough, smart enough, etc.—and can keep people from going after their dreams and achieving their goals.

The reality is that you are smart enough! You are never too old! And people can and do learn new tricks!

I know first-hand! Writing did not come naturally to me at first. In fact, I disliked writing immensely growing up, and it wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, that I actually called myself a writer. With continuous effort, lots of practice, positive feedback, and the grit and determination to stay the course, today I am not only a published author, I LOVE writing! It is my happy place.

Current research shows that intelligence does indeed change within a lifetime especially when the following two conditions are present:

• One makes a purposeful and meaningful effort
• and one understands that purposeful and meaningful effort makes you smarter

This is what Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset. According to Dweck, a growth mindset is when:

People believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, and brains and talent are just the starting point.

What is so cool about this concept is that the science backs it up. Studies show, for example, that when educators create a growth mindset in classrooms, where instructors reward effort, strategy and progress rather than getting answers correct, students not only become more engaged and confident, but new and stronger neuron connections are formed in the brain. Put differently, people get smarter as seen in a group of 4^th grade student’s in the South Bronx. These children were way behind their cohorts. Today, they are the number one 4^th grade class in the state of New York on the state math tests.

How?

“This happened because the meaning of effort and difficulty were transformed,” says Dweck. Before, effort and difficulty made these children feel dumb and give up. After being taught about growth mindset, they excelled.

It is important to note that when looking at learning from this vantage point, not only is a love of learning created within the individual, but a certain resilience is built that is essential for accomplishing one’s goals in life; your “WHY”! That is the power of adopting a growth mindset.

With a bit of work and a belief that you can indeed learn, then you will, no matter your age, background, or situation! Everyone can learn something new. Everyone! Even you!

“Successful people all think, act and operate the same way. They all know what they do, some know how they do it, but very few know why they do what they do,” says author and motivational speaker Simon Sinek in his 2009 TED Talk, “How Great Leaders Inspire Action.”

How many times have you heard an adult in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s ask facetiously, “What am I going to do when I grow up?”

When people don’t know their “why”, they don’t know what is important to them. And to their misfortune, end up being motivated in life by what is important to other people instead of what is important to themselves. And when you are motivated by the wrong thing—money or riches, for example—you will not be able to sustain anything difficult or challenging for the long haul. You will quit the minute it gets too difficult!

That is because knowing your “why” not only compels you to take on challenges and learn new things, knowing your “why” inspires you to keep on going toward your dreams when things get tough.

As Sinek points out in his TED Talk, “Martin Luther King gave the ‘I have a dream’ speech, not the ‘I have a Plan’ speech.

Knowing your “why” is like a magic GPS pointing to your True North. Not only is it the absolute key to achieving your dreams, knowing your “why” gives you:

• deeper purpose and meaning
• more direction in your life
• a reason for your existence
• and a “knowing” of what to do with the time that you have on this planet.

Because when you can start with “the end result in mind, everything else will naturally fall into place,” Sinek explains.

• You will be motivated by something you truly believe in
• You will work harder and better
• You will push through obstacles such as fear, self-doubt and procrastination
• You will make better choices
• You will live longer.

Yes, you will live longer! Studies show that having purpose and meaning in one’s life is correlated to longer lifespans. Now that’s some pretty powerful stuff.

As friend, colleague, and psychologist Dr. Woody brilliantly states, “…when your goals are tethered to your passion, you become driven not dragged to the results you want. You are then poised to do only what is in the interest of your highest and best goals, and your highest and best self.”

If you claim to not have a “Why”, don’t worry, it’s there somewhere, probably buried under the many should’s and ought to’s you have adopted over the years. To help you uncover your true purpose, here are a few questions that you can ask yourself:

• What makes you feel alive?
• What are your strengths?
• Where do you add the greatest value?
• How can you make a difference in this world? (Think greater than yourself)
• Are you willing to do it anyway, no matter what people think or if it embarrasses you?
• What struggles are you willing to tolerate, or what sacrifices are you willing to make?
• What gets you excited about the future?
• How will you measure your life?
• How would you like to be remembered? What would you like written on your epitaph or spoken at your eulogy?

By pondering these questions, you are forced to take a closer look at your life and make sure you are living the life you want.

A special note: For some this may be a scary exercise, especially when thinking about your epitaph, for instance. This brings up the idea of death which can trigger all kinds of uncomfortable feelings. But our mortality plays a huge role in our lives. Death is a fact of life, our clocks are ticking and none of us are going to get out of this alive. This awareness of our own mortality can be frightening, but it can also be motivating. When we know our time is limited, we are forced to use that time in the best way possible. As Paul Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when he was only thirty-five writes in his memoir, When Breath Becomes Air, “Tell me three months, I’d spend time with my family. Tell me one year, I’d write a book. Give me ten years, I’d get back to treating diseases.”  Kalanithi lived his life based on his “why”!

What is your “Why”?

First published at https://www.tradingacademy.com/culture/article/what-is-your-why