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Navigating Midlife’s Transitions: A Guide to Thriving Through Change

Midlife can be a tumultuous period, marked by significant transitions and challenges. As we age, we may encounter relationship challenges, job loss, health issues, “empty nest syndrome”, or the loss of loved ones. This can have a profound effect on our identity. A shift in how many of us see ourselves during this time is not uncommon as we begin to realize the ambitions that ruled countless decisions in our early adult years are no longer relevant or serve our souls. These changes can lead to questions about one’s purpose, value, and future. Why does this happen?

  • Relationship Changes: Divorce or the loss of a loved one can lead to a range of emotional challenges and disrupt our sense of identity and security.
  • Shifting Roles: As children grow up and leave home, parents may struggle with their newfound freedom and sense of purpose.
  • Physical Changes: Aging can lead to physical changes that may affect self-esteem and body image.  
  • Career Plateauing: Feeling stagnant or stuck in one’s career can lead to dissatisfaction and a desire for change.  
  • Mortality Awareness: As we age, we may become more aware of our mortality, which can trigger existential questions and anxieties.  

These changes can be difficult, but they can also be an opportunity for transformation, growth and renewed purpose if we let it. Dr. James Hollis, in his book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up describes how the psychological and spiritual journey that individuals undertake as they move beyond the traditional milestones of adulthood can be life changing. He explains that the second half of life is not merely a decline but a transformative period of growth and self-discovery. This is absolutely true. But how?

Here are a few strategies to get you started. I encourage you to open your mind and embrace the challenges and opportunities of aging. With this mindset, you can navigate these changes with grace and resilience and emerge stronger on the other side.

  • Embrace Change: Accept that change is a natural part of life. Embrace new opportunities and the uncertainty that comes with change. See it as an opportunity for growth and development.
  • Practice Self-Care: Prioritize physical and mental health through regular exercise, a balanced diet, and mindfulness practices. Walking, meditation and yoga can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being. And don’t forget to get enough sleep to ensure optimal cognitive function.
  • Build Strong Relationships: Nurture existing relationships and build new ones. Building strong relationships with loved ones can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging which is especially importatnt during times of change.
  • Set Realistic Goals: Break down large goals into smaller, achievable steps. Achievable steps can make them less daunting and celebrating the small victories can boost motivation and keep us on track as we navigate the winding roads of midlife.
  • Learn to Adapt: Be flexible and willing to adjust your plans as needed. And, let go of the past. While it’s important to learn from past experiences, don’t dwell on them. Focus on the present and future.
  • Practice Gratitude: Practicing gratitude by keeping a “Gratitude Journal”. This practice has been linked to increased happiness, optimism, and resilience.
  • Embrace Lifelong Learning and Growth: Continue to learn and grow throughout your life. Pursuing new hobbies, taking classes, or volunteering can stimulate our minds and bring a sense of fulfillment
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Self-compassion helps to counteract self-criticism, which can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem.
  • Avoid Self-Criticism: Instead of beating yourself up, focus on positive self-talk. Positive self-talk challenges negative self-perception and helps you believe in your abilities.
  • Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small.
  • Seek Professional Help: A therapist can provide guidance and support as you navigate life’s challenges helping individuals develop coping strategies and work through emotional difficulties.

By understanding the challenges of midlife and implementing these strategies, you can find meaning and fulfillment in the later stages of life. I promise, because I did.

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How to Gain More Resilience and Why it’s Important

It has been a tough year. For many who already suffer from depression and/or anxiety, it has been even tougher.

Many of the people I see in therapy report feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Some say that they tend to dwell in the negative, even feeling hopeless at times, while others report choosing unhealthy behaviors such as drinking one too many glasses of wine to soothe themselves. In fact, 60% of participants in a recent study reported increased drinking compared to pre Covid times.

If this sounds familiar, there is good news. We humans are resilient!

George Bonanno, professor of Clinical Psychology from Columbus University says that when we are hit with loss or trauma, it is resilience that gets us back on track.

  • Resilience is the capacity to manage stress and cope with crisis and adversity.
  • Resilience is rebounding more quickly after a blow.
  • Resilience is a healthy adjustment to a setback.
  • Resilience is harnessing one’s own inner strength.
  • Resilience is personal growth, and it is powerful stuff!

It seems that the ever-popular idiom, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” is not so far from the truth.

If you feel that resilience is not your strong suit, no worries, you are not doomed. Bouncing back is a process, not a character trait. In other words, resilience is learned.

Here are five ways you can gain more resilience in your life:

Be more flexible –Our minds work like a muscle. The more we stretch them, the more flexible and open we become. And people who are more flexible and open are more curious, pay more attention to their feelings, and are more comfortable with the unfamiliar. These are important traits to have right now as we face the unfamiliar aspects of Covid and our changing times.

View set-backs as temporary – Set backs are a normal part of life. When we understand that “this too shall pass,” we are more able to accept our current circumstances as a moment in time and push through. Pushing through is proactive. It not only helps decrease feelings of depression, but it also helps you find solutions to your problems and move forward in your life.

Practice being grateful – Studies show that when you write down three good things that happened in your life (such as something that made you smile, or strengthened a connection), your brain scans the last 24 hours looking for positive moments. This scanning activity, in turn, trains your brain to look for these positive moments. And when you notice these moments, you feel happier, more thankful, and more appreciative of your life.

Seek support from others –When we feel connected to others, we are better able to weather difficult times. Connection to others not only lowers our levels of anxiety and depression but feeling connected increases our self-esteem and immune system. In addition, researchers have found that people who feel connected are more empathetic, trusting, and cooperative. Consequently, when we trust others, they trust us. This leads to what psychologists call a positive feedback loop which enhances the social, emotional and physical well-being of both parties.

Take care of yourself – Self-care is especially important during difficult times. Getting enough sleep, eating well, and going outside for some sunshine and exercise not only make you feel better, but these activities are in your scope of control. And feeling as if we have some control in our lives when there are things happening in the world that we cannot control offers us some comfort.

We hope you found this helpful. Please let us know what you do to help build resilience in the comments below.

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How to Help Your Child Go the Extra Mile

This is the first of a series of blogs on Raising Happier Humans.

Many of us have forgotten to trust our children to learn, grow, and mature.

We reward them for a good grade, and take their video game privileges away for a bad grade. We nag them to get their homework done, monitor their work, obsess over their progress, and apply excessive pressure to perform in hopes that they are accepted into the best universities.

Moreover, we oblige our young people as they cross into adulthood to choose practical vocations in pursuit of security and status over following one’s dreams; a compromise that haunts our children for years to come. In essence, we value grades, compliance, and achievement over the love of learning, relationship, and happiness.

I know I found myself pushing my children at times. Looking back, I realize it was in actuality an attempt to calm my own anxiety and feelings of helplessness regarding their future. I love my children, and wanted what was best for them. We all do. But placing external controls on them and pushing them to succeed is not the answer.

The truth is that placing external controls on a child only teaches them to comply. It also gives them the message that they are not capable of doing or thinking for themselves.

And when we push them, or when they believe they are not capable, they either become anxious, stressed, and easily overwhelmed, or depressed, unmotivated, and quit at the first sign of difficulty.

I see this all the time in therapy, especially amongst teens. They come to my office anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed. They worry about getting their homework done, failing grades, college applications and/or living up to the unrealistic expectations of parents, teachers, and society. They complain of being tired, sad, unmotivated, behind in their work and frustrated that they have no control over their own lives. They share deep feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. These young people also report not feeling seen or heard by their parents and/or teachers. Some are inundated with extracurricular activities, while others are overwhelmed with chores at home and taking care of younger siblings while their parents are working. Almost all communicate an overall sense of hopelessness in the future.

What I have learned over the years as a mother of three, and a therapist working in the schools is what parents describe as laziness or entitlement are actually our child’s lack of autonomy necessary to self-direct one’s own life, and the resilience essential to carry-on when life gets difficult.

For autonomy-the freedom to self-direct one’s own life-is the key to motivation, physical and mental health, academic success, and happiness.

It is possible to achieve this in your home.

I have found these five principles to be quite supportive in helping our children and teens overcome the stress and anxiety of life, feel more motivated, and go the extra mile at home, in school, and in life:

1. ) Trust them to self-direct their own lives.

This does not mean that you leave them to their own devices. As parents, we have a responsibility to make sure that our children are safe.

This does mean that we trust that they are capable of self-direction such as making important decisions or choosing their friends, what to wear, and/or what to eat.

And when trust is a prevailing value in our homes, feelings that, “I am worthy,” or “I can do anything I set my mind to” become our child’s prevailing beliefs.

2.) Love them unconditionally.  

When a child understands without a doubt that there is nothing they can do that will change a parent’s love for them, they then feel worthy.

And, when a child feels worthy, they are more likely to work hard and try new things.

This means no strings attached.

3.) Allow them to be part of the decision process.

When a child is given the freedom to collaborate in decision-making, they feel heard, seen, and important.

And when a child feels important, they are more apt to believe in themselves, take themselves seriously, and achieve their goals.

4.) Let them choose the activities that they want to participate in, and the peers they want to hang out with.

When we trust our children to choose their own activities and friends, they learn to make important decisions, and/or adjust accordingly when things go awry.

Again, this does not mean that you leave them to fail alone. This does mean that we give them the freedom to fail if necessary.

We can support them without rescuing them.

Because it is within the disappointment and defeat that they gain the resiliency to carry on.

5.) Allow them to express themselves freely through clothing, music, food, etc. without passing judgment.

By allowing your child to freely express themselves, they are more able to let loose the “free-spirited parts” of themselves.

This allows them to imagine their future without risk, as well as their place in the world.

And when they can imagine this place, they are more likely to know what they want and work towards getting there, ultimately achieving their goals.

This list is just a few of the ways we can help our children learn, grow, and mature.

What is on your list?