Author: Deanne

I have learned to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I had to, because the alternative is…well, there is no alternative if you are going to enjoy life, learn and grow.

We lost everything in the 2008/2009 recession. Soon after, I was diagnosed with cancer. We didn’t know where we were going to live or how we were going to pay the medical bills. I didn’t even know if I would survive.

It is in moments like these when you are hit with great challenges, and the uncertainty that comes with it, that we want to be assured that everything is going to be okay. We desperately want to know what’s going to happen. We want answers even where there are none. This state of ambiguity can result in feelings of insecurity, stress, anxiety, and if it lasts for an extended period of time, depression.

People do not like uncertainty. But the truth is that as long as change is ever present in our lives, so is the uncertainty that comes with it. My dad used to say, “the one thing that is for sure is that nothing is for sure.” Of course, when I was a kid, I didn’t quite understand what he meant. After experiencing many unexpected changes in my life, I get it now.

So, what do we do we in times when we do not have the answers? What do we do when we have to live in a state of ambiguity and uncertainty, sometimes for weeks, months or even years? How do we deal with the insecurity and anxiety that comes with a change in relationship status, for example, a new job, or the kids moving out? How do we deal with the fear that comes with an illness, ours, or a loved one? How do we stay calm when plans do not turn out the way we planned, financial upheaval hits, or any other situation that results in an uncomfortable state of being?

Answer: We learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yep. Sorry if you were hoping for a better answer.

In fact, not only is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable a way to help reduce the anxiety that comes with uncertainty, Jungian psychologist, James Hollis says that being able to live in uncertainty for long periods of time is a sign of growth and maturity; “it is is learning to live with how life really is, full of complexities and strange surprises.”

And how do we get comfortable living with the complexities and strange surprises of life? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Let go of certain expectations and prepare for different possibilities. When your expectations are not met, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you are open to different outcomes, there is nothing or no one to disappoint you.
2. Avoid black and white thinking and one-sided solutions and accept the paradoxes and complexities of life.
3. Approach each day with curiosity. Look at life as both a gift and an adventure rather than a sure thing.
4. Know when to let life unfold rather than attempting to control every twist and turn. In other words, focus on what you can control, accept the things that you cannot and know the difference between the two.
5. Have patience with not having all the answers. As Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “live in the question.”
6. Do not avoid the anxiety that comes with being uncomfortable. Instead. go towards it. Depression can be a sign of regression. Anxiety is a sign you are moving forward.
7. When in need, apply stress reduction techniques such as being mindful, taking a walk, meditation, and/or yoga.
8. Be kind to yourself and others in time of change and uncertainty.
9. Know that “This too shall pass.”
10. Change the narrative. As the Indian spiritual leader Osho said, “Don’t call it uncertainty; call it wonder. Don’t call it insecurity; call it freedom.”

And last but by no means least, love each other. We can’t control external forces or change other people, but we can change our attitudes and reactions to these events and people in our lives. As Holocaust survivor and psychologist Victor Frankl once said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Although Frankl’s experience was more than most of us will ever have to endure in a lifetime, Frankl understood that attitude and love were first and foremost to survival. When one lives life from this perspective, one is able to be more open to the uncertainty that is certain in life.

First published at https://www.tradingacademy.com/culture/article/getting-comfortable-with-being-uncomfortable

I love to perform with my band. There is something magical about getting on stage and expressing myself through music. The lights, the excitement, and the connection I make with the crowd, the band, and myself makes me feel truly alive.

Do I get nervous? You bet. Do I worry I might mess up? Yep. Do I worry about what others might think of me? Of course. Do I do it anyway? Absolutely!

“Vulnerability is the risk we take when we put ourselves out there. It is a natural feeling we get from uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” says research professor and author Brene Brown in her show, A Call to Courage, now streaming on Netflix.

And believe it or not, feeling vulnerable is a good thing.

What? Feeling anxious and exposing oneself to the possibility of being fully seen or criticized is a good thing?

YES!

“Because there is no courage without vulnerability,” explains Brene. For example, “when we build cultures at work where there is zero tolerance for vulnerability, no open conversation happens,” says Brene. “We end up talking about each other instead of to each other.”

Instead, according to Brene, we need real conversation. We must bring our whole heart and our whole selves to the arena, each and every day. We must choose courage over comfort and create a culture where we feel free to share ideas without worrying about the critic. We must show up fully and let go of our armor, be open to failure and dare to be seen and take risks if we are going to feel fully alive and make a difference in our organizations, our communities, and the world.

Theodore Roosevelt says it beautifully in this celebrated quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

So how do we overcome the fear that comes with being vulnerable?

• Brene Brown says we do it anyway. We dare greatly!
• Second, she says that we get rid of the following myths around vulnerability.

1. Vulnerability is weakness – Not true. Vulnerability is the most courageous thing you will ever do.
2. I don’t do vulnerability – Everyone does vulnerability knowingly or unknowingly. “You do vulnerability, or vulnerability does you.” Says Brene. People take their pain and work it out on other people when they don’t acknowledge their own vulnerability.
3. I can go it alone – Not true either. We need each other. We are neurobiologically wired to other people. We can’t go it alone. In fact, in the absence of love and connection, there is always suffering.
4. We can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability – No, you can’t. The minute a situation becomes comfortable it is no longer vulnerability.
5. Trust comes before vulnerability – They actually work together. The more you share the more trust is formed and the more you trust, the more you share.
6. Vulnerability is disclosure – Not full disclosure. Vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability. Everyone deserves privacy.

So show up my friends! Do not be afraid to get in the arena. And when the time comes, do “it” anyway, it spite of the fear you feel. Only then will true connection to each other and yourself take place.

First published at https://www.tradingacademy.com/culture/article/are-you-scared-do-it-anyway

Not too long ago, scientists believed human intelligence was determined by the size of a person’s skull. They assumed that the larger the skull, the smarter the person. Of course, this is not true.

A few years later, people believed you were born with a fixed amount of intelligence that remained constant over a lifetime. The idea that intelligence remains constant is still a commonly held belief today. This is not true either.

While genes, for example, do indeed influence some things, they do not determine everything. This is important, because the belief that an inborn talent alone without effort creates success is wrong.

This notion is based on flawed beliefs about intelligence—you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, I’m too old, or I am not good enough, smart enough, etc.—and can keep people from going after their dreams and achieving their goals.

The reality is that you are smart enough! You are never too old! And people can and do learn new tricks!

I know first-hand! Writing did not come naturally to me at first. In fact, I disliked writing immensely growing up, and it wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, that I actually called myself a writer. With continuous effort, lots of practice, positive feedback, and the grit and determination to stay the course, today I am not only a published author, I LOVE writing! It is my happy place.

Current research shows that intelligence does indeed change within a lifetime especially when the following two conditions are present:

• One makes a purposeful and meaningful effort
• and one understands that purposeful and meaningful effort makes you smarter

This is what Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset. According to Dweck, a growth mindset is when:

People believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, and brains and talent are just the starting point.

What is so cool about this concept is that the science backs it up. Studies show, for example, that when educators create a growth mindset in classrooms, where instructors reward effort, strategy and progress rather than getting answers correct, students not only become more engaged and confident, but new and stronger neuron connections are formed in the brain. Put differently, people get smarter as seen in a group of 4^th grade student’s in the South Bronx. These children were way behind their cohorts. Today, they are the number one 4^th grade class in the state of New York on the state math tests.

How?

“This happened because the meaning of effort and difficulty were transformed,” says Dweck. Before, effort and difficulty made these children feel dumb and give up. After being taught about growth mindset, they excelled.

It is important to note that when looking at learning from this vantage point, not only is a love of learning created within the individual, but a certain resilience is built that is essential for accomplishing one’s goals in life; your “WHY”! That is the power of adopting a growth mindset.

With a bit of work and a belief that you can indeed learn, then you will, no matter your age, background, or situation! Everyone can learn something new. Everyone! Even you!